I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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