Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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