What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
