You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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