Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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