I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
