I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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