my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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