My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
