at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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