You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
