He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
