so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize