**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
