just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
