if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
