I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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