My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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