She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
