upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
