I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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