DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
