I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
