I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
