Who wears a wallet chain?!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Terrible idea I love it
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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