sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So apparently I’m into choking now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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