You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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