I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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