I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
