Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
