I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
