my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I have post one night stand depression
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
