it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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