Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
