3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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