I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
