I think i sorta joined a cult last night
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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