i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
