Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Boobs are out for the taking
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize