I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
