Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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