I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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