if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
