Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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