his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
