The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
