Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
