This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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