Cold hands, warm shart.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
