peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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