Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
