At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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