The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
So vagazzling was a success
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
