i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
