i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
