i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
