he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
