I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
