Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
